So what's up?

The last post probably came out of nowhere, although at this point any post would be a bit of a shocker. It's been almost two years since the last post, not a ton of stuff is happening, still working at Costco, graduated photo, and the best part I'm an Aunt now. So the sort of Coles note version of the Coles notes is that I quit smoking almost two months ago, right before Christmas (Nov. 17th) and cold turkey while working on the biggest and most difficult restoration job I've ever taken on. The result? Anxiety and mild depression. Excellent. Noone ever told me quitting smoking would make me crazy. Bitchy maybe, but not a panic ridden mess. It was a combination of a whole bunch of weird and difficult things happening at once.

So it's been over a month since all the fun started and things are going pretty well. Go self-help books and Christmas being over. Not sweating the small stuff is big, not moping at home is big and I guess faking it till you feel it sometimes. More later, housework awaits.

Breaking the silence...

So here's the thing no one ever told me about depression and anxiety. Some days, when you're having a pretty good day it will knock you on your ass and won't let you up until you give it a big fat kick in the teeth. Today I've had that day. It's New Years Day, I had a better New Years Eve than I had expected, I woke up in pretty little pain (stomach wise, will explain later). I took my awesome (sarcasm button required) stomach pills, waited half an hour, had breakfast, chatted with Dad, worked on a currently secret art project and played Wii until Mom and Dad left for a New Years Day party and I settled in to enjoy a day to myself and promptly self destructed. Again. Sigh.

Here's another thing I'm learning about depression and anxiety sometimes you don't feel sad or particularly stressed out, but your body goes haywire (because you're probably supressing your stress again). I first thought I was having a panic attack and since I'm getting better at coping with those I just tried to breathe through it and it didn't really go anywhere. But I was still feeling weak, lethargic, cold and my chest hurt. Logically I know I'm not having a heart attack, emotionally I know I'm not having a heart attack, emotionally I thought I was having a pretty decent day actually and yet there I was chest pain, chills and lethargic. I spent most of the afternoon sitting or laying down under a blanket trying to talk myself out of the pain I knew was largely psychosomatic and trying to eat because I'm getting a bit weird about eating (more on that later) (actually the short version is that I basically have stress/anxiety induced acid reflux). So what got me here writing this and munching on carrots (and not freaking about munching on carrots)? When my 2nd movie (Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs) of the day got over I decided that sitting on the couch trying to feel better wasn't making me feel better. So I got off my ass, got dressed, played some Wii bowling, put in a Big Bang Theory DVD and just sucked it up and wrote this post. Hell, if I was having a heart attack I'd be dead now, or Wii bowling would have done it.

Lesson today: Getting better from depression does not happen a: overnight or b: without kicking myself in the ass (figuratively not literally, because that would be quite a feat).

Now the real question is where I'm going to post this on my blog and then keep it there.